This post has been sitting in my drafts for way too long, so I figured it’s about time I finish it. Every time I hear a ridiculous rap flex, I write it down, because I’m weird like that. Here are my favorites, over-analyzed for your enjoyment.
10) I’m a lord motherfucker, better greet him if you see him- A$AP Rocky
Rocky has never been modest or humble, but let’s face it, he can get away with it. He’s consistently changed his sound, which is something I always love to see, while not compromising his artistic integrity and the attitude that made him successful. I’m actually playing this record as I’m writing this, because I think At.Long.Last.A$AP is his best work, and the song this line is from, LPFJ2, is one of the most confident songs I’ve ever heard. From the booming bass to the sirens, this song is meant to get your attention, and lets the listener know that Rocky isn’t just that weird dude from Harlem who loves UGK.
9) I guess the neighbors think I’m sellin’ dope. Motherfucker I am.- J. Cole
This whole song is a flex, but when I heard the story behind it, and saw the security camera footage, it took on a whole new meaning for me. When J.Cole was making this album, he was staying in a wealthy community not used to rappers, so when Cole and his collaborators came by in fancy cars, smoking weed and making noise in the late hours of the night, his neighbors assumed the worst and called the cops. After watching a SWAT team kick-door J.Cole’s house, I felt a little angry at these racist honkies who couldn’t be bothered to Google their neighbor before assuming he sold drugs. I love that J.Cole used this moment as a teaching experience, and as a sign of his success, rather than an excuse to hate white people. He’s not selling dope, he’s making dope music. There’s no need to worry, unless you’re afraid of great music, in which case you should turn on that Rebecca Black album and shut the fuck up.
8) The only rapper who sold more dope than me is Eazy E- Pusha T
Now, I’m not in the DEA, so I have no way to know if this claim is true, but the way Pusha T delivers this line, you really have no choice but to believe him. Pusha T’s entire discography is basically him bragging about his flourishing cocaine business, so I’d like to believe he knows a thing or two about it. I’m not super into the whole NWA catalog, but I’ve heard enough to know that Eazy E was a cold motherfucker who sold some dope. I’d have to see the total weight breakdown to know for sure, but I think that the top 3 cocaine concierges would have to be Pusha T, Eazy E, and Jay-Z. It’s funny how they all have a single letter at the end of their name, but that’s besides the point.
7) I just updated my old deal, I told Def Jam no less than 20 mil, and they cut that shit- Logic
How the fuck did Def Jam look at Logic’s last 2 albums and be like “Yup, this is something I’d pay 20 million dollars for.” I used to be a fan, and he still gets me excited sometimes, but Logic needs to slow down for awhile. This line was hard as fuck, and as a fan, I like seeing Logic succeed, but if he’s going to use the money Def Jam gave him to make more albums that sound like first drafts, I’m going to have to sit back and wait for something more polished to come from Logic.
6) All I wanted was 100 million and a bad bitch, now I want 200 and Minaj in my palace- Rick Ross
Have you seen Rick Ross’s house? It’s like something out of Scarface, which is probably why he bought it. It’s the largest single-family house in Georgia, and the biggest house I’ve ever seen on Google Earth. I don’t doubt that Rick Ross has a hundred million dollars; he owns a fast-food restaurant, a record label, a champagne brand, and probably a few other businesses, but I’m not sure how he’s gonna get Nicki Minaj in his palace. Maybe in 5 years when her career bottoms out. Rick Ross is the king of saying stupid shit that somehow sounds badass. Maybe it’s his voice, maybe it’s that rapper charisma, maybe he’s actually a badass. The world may never know.
5) I AM a God, so hurry up with my damn massage- Kanye West
What can I say about Kanye West that he hasn’t said himself? This man really listed God as a feature on his song “I am a God” If there really is a God, it’s not Kanye West, but the sheer audacity that he has is commendable. Even better, he called the album this is on “Yeezus” That’s just the cherry on top of the batshit crazy saga that we call Kanye’s career. The fact that people still put up with his shit is a testament to how amazing this man’s music used to be. I just hope that “Born Again Christian” Kanye looks back at this time of his life and realizes how crazy it was.
4) I believe there’s a God above me, I’m just the God of everything else- Pusha T
This is Pusha’s second appearance on this list, because it’s such a great line. The fact that Push can back up his claims with bars solidifies this claim for me, don’t forget: this is the guy who broke Drake’s confidence with the best diss song I’ve heard in years. The delivery of this line also makes this a killer, Push is almost sneering at us mere mortals as he looks down on his rap kingdom. Think about the level of confidence it takes to declare yourself a God, while acknowledging there’s still a higher power above you, shit’s incredible.
3) I did it all without a Jay feature- Mac Miller
From a 1.0 Pitchfork score to a Grammy-nominated jack-of-all-trades, Mac Miller deserves the top-3 spot. Not only did he have the first #1 independent album of the last 30 years, not only did he play piano, bass, drums, guitar, sing, rap, and produce, Mac Miller inspired many legendary artists to hone their craft. Usually a humble, quiet person, Here We Go (the song this line comes from) is a triumphant, braggadocios anthem celebrating his success during a dark time in his life. He did all of this by himself, without using more mainstream artists to gain popularity. The fact that Jay makes an appearance in this list makes this line even better; he doesn’t even need his cosign to be great.
2) Obama say whattado- Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick Lamar is such an important part of rap. He’s the first Pulitzer Prize winner who raps, he’s the first rapper to show up on the Presidential Playlist, and he’s definitely the first rapper with an album cover taken at the White House. He’s this generation’s Tupac, hopefully without the violent end. To Pimp a Butterfly is such an important album, so Kendrick shouting out the first black president in a song about black empowerment is perfect. I can totally see Kendrick and Barack hanging out in some luxurious event with a bunch of Rhodes Scholars, talking about philosophy and politics, and celebrating all their medals and awards together.
1) No such thing as an ugly billionare, I’m cute- Jay-Z
This is the best one. The rap flex 30 years in the making. Jay-Z is rap’s first billionaire, and as the most confident person ever, Jay deserves the top spot. Now, no disrespect to Jay, but he looks like Mr. Potatohead came to life and started selling crack. Nas had some less-than-nice things to say about his appearance, but Jay’s also married to Beyonce, and Nas is still paying child support to the “Milkshake” lady, so who really has the last laugh? Jay has enough money and success to be able to spout ridiculous shit and get away with it, so the fact that he still comes with amazing lines like this makes me happy.