Take Your Medicine

I’ve been on a wild ride these last 6 months; I left a job that made me miserable, I started a job that I actually liked, I started going to a real college, (there’s also this whole “pandemic” thing going on as well), but the biggest change was that I didn’t take my meds for the first time in years.

It seemed like such a simple thing to do: call your doctor and have them send your prescription to the pharmacy 10 minutes away from my house. That’s the shitty thing about ADHD; things that should be easy are cripplingly difficult. Every time I tried to call in the order, I was put on hold for half an hour because some dumb-dumb who had bad Chinese food last week thought they had the ‘Rona, called their doctor, and clogged up the phone line so people like me who have no patience for phone calls would get angry and hang up.

This continued for months, and as time progressed, I started to notice subtle differences in my behavior, which is wild because I don’t usually notice changes in anything, let alone my own life. My working memory is terrible, if someone put a gun to my mother’s head and asked me what I ate for dinner a week ago, I’d have to say goodbye to Ma Dukes, because I can barely remember what I said a minute ago, let alone a week ago. This is where medication comes in handy. Without it, my brain is in complete control, and instead of doing normal people things, it keeps me up at night thinking about things like “Did people in Star Wars use cotton to make their clothes, or is it some other sci-fi space material? I was up until 5am thinking about this last night. Take your medicine.

I finally got my prescription filled, it took a whole hell of a lot longer than I’d liked, but it’s done, and that’s all that matters. The shitty part is what’s gonna happen after 6 months of not taking my meds is suddenly interrupted by an infusion of the strongest amphetamines science has ever created. I’ll probably be up until 5 again tonight, but for much different reasons. Take your fucking medicine.

The Ol’ College Try Pt.2

So I’m about 3 weeks into the semester, and I’m surprised at how well it’s going.

I had some concerns when I first started; the “easy” English class I thought I was taking turned out to be a graduate-level Philosophy class, so that was a bit of a transition. My professor is a grad student that’s younger than I am. I’m actually doing pretty well in that class, I just have to quietly Google things when I don’t know what they’re talking about. For our first paper, we had to determine which philosopher most influenced the 1992 comedy film My Cousin Vinny, which is probably the weirdest assignment I’ve ever done. I had no idea what type of philosophy Joe Pesci subscribed to, so I just said Socrates, and hoped for the best.

Accounting is a no-brainer for me, which is weird because usually I suck at math. I got a 94 on my first quiz, so I’m pretty much crushing it right now. I really like the professor too, he seems like one of those goofy math teachers that are really passionate about math, so they find a way to have fun with it. That’s this guy and cash flow statements.

I don’t know why I was so worried about transferring to an actual college, but that’s the thing about worrying: things are never as bad as you think they’ll be.

The Ol’ College Try

I’m starting college again on Monday, and I’m fucking terrified.

I haven’t had a great track record with college; I colossally flamed out my first time, and I excelled the second time, years later. I’m batting around a .500, which isn’t great when it comes to spending thousands of dollars on education. I’m only taking two classes, but I’m still worried about them.

The first class is called Winning the Argument, and it’s an English class, so I shouldn’t have any trouble because writing is one of the things I’m not completely awful at. I’m sure that I’ll do fine in that class, but my Managerial Accounting class is going to be a nightmare. I did fine in the last accounting class I took, but that’s because I got angry that I wasn’t doing well, and stayed up late trying to figure it out because failing hurt my ego. I can’t rely on that to save me this time.

I’m 50 credits away from a Bachelor’s degree, so I’ll be in college for awhile. Remember that old Ryan Reynolds movie Van Wilder? If you haven’t, it’s about a 27-year old rich kid who is having too much fun in college to want to graduate.  I’m probably going to be 28 by the time I graduate, and that worries me. If I were an employer, I wouldn’t hire the guy who took 10 years to get a 4 year degree. Hopefully, advertising is filled with fuck-ups who took forever to finish college too, or I’m going to have to find a new profession.

I don’t want to be that weird old guy in class, that guy who butts into the lecture to jerk-off his ego and feel like he’s contributing something helpful, even though everyone else just wants him to shut up and not talk again. There’s always one in every class, so I’m hoping some other poor, awkward soul falls on that grenade for me.

Maybe it won’t be terrible. Maybe I’ll meet some new people and enjoy my college experience. Maybe I’ll find some club that interests me, or find a way to shmooze my way into an internship this summer. That’s the thing though, you never really know what’s going to happen, and that bugs the shit out of me. I don’t like being unprepared for what’s coming to me, I like knowing what’s going to happen beforehand, so I can set up a game plan and figure it out. I’ve had more college experience than most people I know, I should know what I’m in for, but I don’t.

Previously, I went to community college, and, for the most part, it was a breeze. I worked at about 60% capacity, and I got great grades. I don’t know if I can do the same at a real college. I’m worried that getting straight A’s at a community college gave me too much confidence in my abilities, and that I’m going to blow it this semester. I feel like a much poorer Billy Madison: I feel like people took it easy on me, and that I’m not really as smart as I think I am, and that everyone else sees it but me.  I’m not as much of a fuck-up as I was the last time I went to real college, so maybe I’ll be okay.