Directional Politics is Stupid, And So Are You

I really don’t care if you’re left, right, center, diagonal, or fucking horizontal. You’re still a moron. Unless you’ve got a Political Science degree, and have worked in politics, you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re wasting valuable oxygen regurgitating half-remembered facts from http://www.I’mRight.com. Fuck off, you’re just as dumb as the rest of us, you just don’t know it. I’m sick of all these uninformed dipshits who get their entire worldview from Fox News and think that Trump is the second coming of Jesus. He’s not. God’s not real, and the fact that I haven’t been smited by Holy Lighting yet means that either he’s not real, or he agrees with me. Donald Trump is a moron, anyone with two braincells to rub together knows it, but let’s break it down.

Leftists aren’t any better. Can’t you people get along? What is your problem, why do you have to attack everyone you don’t think is as “woke” as you? Shouldn’t you be uniting as a group instead of picking off people who kind of agree with you, but who don’t force politics into every conversation? You people need to shape up too. What, you think because you’re against Trump, you need to be against everyone else? Go fuck yourselves, you pretentious cock-goblins. I used to believe in you, I want all people to be happy and healthy and free, but if that means I have to cancel Dave Chappelle because he made a joke someone didn’t like, I’m gonna tell you to fuck off and gain a sense of humor. I get most of your views, but the sheer amount of Social Justice Warriors on Twitter getting offended over jokes makes me think that you’re all so miserable that you need to make everyone else as miserable as you so you can feel included. Shut up, get some therapy, and pour yourself a drink you uptight assholes. The worst part about the Left is how you are all such unbearable dicks. Your worldview is based off of taking things people smarter than you that you agree with say out of context to prove you’re right. Do your own research, go outside, and shut the fuck up.

Don’t think I’m done with you, Righties. You’re the reason I feel uncomfortable to vote Republican. You’ve ruined the brand, and now I have to pick one of these uppity dick-lickers who are going to spend all my tax money on stupid things that don’t work. Every time one of you goes on TV, I feel my brain starting to hurt as you fumble to explain how the government is going to take your guns, even though that’s never been a thing. Wake up people, politicians found a way to weaponize your fear and stupidity and laziness and turn it into Republican votes. Every moron I know with an understanding of economics gained from selling weed and watching Wolf of Wall Street can be swayed by propoganda disguised as memes, or by listening to media sources made to make you think you’re smarter than everyone. As I’ve said previously, you’re not, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner people will stop calling you an unbearable douche. I’ve never seen stupidity like I’ve seen on the Breitbart comment section, it’s like entire communities didn’t bully the stupid out of racist morons unfit to pour my coffee in the morning. If you think Climate Change is a hoax made up by the Chinese to destabilize our economy: get a vasectomy, you are too stupid to be allowed to reproduce.

We didn’t used to be like this, so I have total faith that we can change. It won’t be easy, it won’t be quick, and it will cost us greatly. If we’re to move on from this colossal fuck-up, we’re going to need to forgive each other. It’s going to suck, no one wants to admit they were mislead, that they were wrong, that they aren’t as smart as they thought. The alternative is total destruction on a scale not seen since the Roman Empire. “America isn’t the greatest country in the world anymore. But it can be.” Jeff Daniels was right, we’ve lost our way, but I can’t give up on the people of this country, even though I really have no interest in talking to 95% of you. We need an event that brings us together, I’m not talking about a mass shooting, or a terrorist attack, or a speech on TV. I’m talking about something that shocks us to our very core, something that the 24-hour news cycle can’t hide. I don’t know what that event could be, but I know that if we keep going down this path, we will alienate the people we share our country with, and that is fucking unacceptable. I don’t care about your politics, one of my best friends is a huge Trump supporter because he likes how he talks shit on Twitter. He’s not a racist, he’s not a billionaire looking for a tax cut, he’s just an uninformed consumer looking for more content, regardless of the real-world consequences. We need something to reunite us, we need something to be As American As Apple Pie again, we need Pam Anderson’s tits bouncing on Baywatch, because if there’s one thing that everyone can agree with, it’s that boobs are awesome.

5 Rappers Brands Could Learn From

5. Curren$y

Curren$y might not be a household name like the rest of the people on this list, but his strategy offers valuable insight. Curren$y is the prime example of why content is king, the man put out 3 albums this year, and it’s not even over yet. His content isn’t always perfect, but it has a consistent quality that makes up for the lack of steller content. Brands can learn that once you build a following, people will be hungry for as much as you can give them. So much so that they’ll overlook the fact that it isn’t awe-inspiring, just because you give them more than they could possibly need. So the key takeaway from Curren$y is this: just keep going, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t have to be paradigm shifting, it just has to not suck.

4. Vince Staples

Vince Staples is “personal brand” embodied. He openly hates the rap status quo, making fun of rappers he thinks are below him, or acting fake. He is controversial, he’s abrasive, and isn’t afraid to call “bullshit”. This gathers attention, which can be translated to serve brands. Look at the Gillette ad. The fact that you know which one I mean means it worked. Controversy sells in post-Trump America. Your fans will support you, because they see an attack on something they like as an attack on themselves, and won’t hesitate to defend you ( to a point, don’t be EXACTLY like Trump) For example, Vince Staples said that the 90’s wasn’t when hip-hop was at it’s height, which is a correct statement, but people online flipped out. As a result, the number of people Googling “Vince Staples” skyrocketed. A percentage of those people then checked his music out, and liked what they heard. If your brand isn’t sticking out, you’re going to fade away. You need to shock the world into caring about your brand. Maybe criticize a commonly-known flaw in your product, or show some self-awareness in your social media, anything to set you apart from the crowded Twitter feeds and Facebook timelines.

3. Mac Miller

Mac Miller. I’m sure you’ve heard the name before. After his untimely death, rap news outlets jumped to cover the story, as well as anything Mac related. Don’t do this. There’s making the best out of a tragedy, and then there’s profiting off of people’s suffering and death. Mac had many lessons to teach us, he never let anyone else tell him what he should write about, he never cared what anyone else thought, he just focused on the music. He also networked like a motherfucker. Every rapper worth their mic has a song with Mac Miller, the variety of people he worked with speaks to his undeniable work ethic. You should reach out to your competitors and challenge them, it shows you care about your customers, and competition draws eyeballs, further helping your brand. Network with brands outside of your industry, make something that neither of your customers expect. They’ll be shocked, but if you do it correctly, they’ll see that you care about quality and collaboration. Early in Mac’s career, he recorded his life on tour, giving his fans an inside look into his day-to-day life. You can adopt this for your brand too. Film what you can, anything that gives your customers a sense of who you are behind the scenes, what you’re like behind the brand. People like to feel like they know you, like you matter to them. You never know what you’re customers might find interesting, so film as much as you can and let them decide what’s good.

2. Drake

Drake is popular for the same reasons pink guns are popular: he took something predominantly male, and found a way to make it appeal to girls. He took his brand of being a soft, emotional guy and applied to to rap. He also was one of the first artists to make an exclusivity deal with a streaming service. His deal with Apple Music was set up so thay they were the only place you could listen to Drake’s new album. This can be used by brands too. If you offer something that can’t be gained anywhere else, or if you can get them things no one else can, you’ll be successful. Additionally, Drake used internet memes as a sort of PR when it came out he didn’t write his own raps. He channeled that negativity and exposure, and rolled with it. He made a fool of himself before Meek Mill, the origin of the negativity, could use it against him. Brands can learn from that level of self-awareness.

1. Lil Nas X

Lil Nas X is the best marketer I’ve ever seen in hip-hop. I’ve been following him on Twitter since he was a lowly shitposter (a meme creator who purposely makes bad memes), but now is one of the most talked-about names in rap. His single “Old Town Road”, which you’ve definitely heard, is the longest-charting song ever, beating Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson by 3 weeks. He maintained that streak by inundating us with memes, Twitter posts, Tic-Toc videos, and by making the song itself into a meme. Lil Nas X understands social media better than any other rapper, he knows you can make something popular very quickly by using every facet of every channel available to push his content. The song itself is also a thing of beauty; catchy, memorable quotes, short enough to replay, with an addictive chorus that won’t get out of my head. Furthermore, when you see “Billy Ray Cyrus” featured, you’re surprised that the dad from Hannah Montana is on a rap song, and that makes you want to hear the song. You need to divert expectations from time to time, the last thing you want from a growing brand is predictability, you want the people waiting to see what you’re going to do next, and I sure as hell want to see where Lil Nas X goes next.

Why You’re Miserable

I’ve been fascinated with unhappiness for years, I’ve always wondered what is it about ourselves that makes us miserable, and I think I’ve figured it out. People are miserable because they expect too much out of themselves. Think about it: you probably think you are some underrated genius who won’t be understood in your time, or you think that every idea you have is amazing, or you think that even though you can’t seem to come out on top, you’re a winner.

It’s not your fault. It’s really not. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can ask for. If you’re anything like me, you spend too much of your time thinking about why you’re not happy. Social media has ruined this country, it’s the rotten core of humanity that has gained exposure. Facebook hasn’t made us awful, we’ve always been selfish, egotistical assholes who want attention at all times. I’ve noticed a lot more people who think that being happy means people think you’re happy, and I think that’s wild.

It’s not just you, it’s everyone else too. As a lowly, minimum-wage customer service professional, I see the general public more than the average person, and I’ve noticed they’re getting worse. If I had a dollar for every person who was rude to me, or who took money out of my tip jar to keep from breaking a bill, I wouldn’t have to work anymore. People are fickle, they jump on any excuse to be shitty, because our society doesn’t allow us to truly embrace our shittiness. Society ostracizes anyone who upsets the balance of things, and angry assholes yelling at people are the way we reset. Every angry douche at work has their reasons for being a douche, you can’t blame them, so just feel bad for them and move on.

That’s another thing that’s making us miserable: work. An average of 53% of Americans hate their jobs, and if you spend 40 hours a week hating something, you’re gonna have a bad time. So many people only got their job out of fear; fear that they wouldn’t have enough money to live the way they want, fear that they won’t be respected by their friends and family, fear that they’ve wasted their lives doing something they hate. I understand that, I’m afraid that I’m not good enough to do what I want, I understand that, I’m afraid that I’ve wasted my time, that I could’ve spent my time developing a different set of skills. You’ll never find an answer, so why bother?

Anger is useful, don’t let anyone tell you differently. It’s the single-most reusable resource. I’ve never run out of anger, and when used properly, anger can change the world for the better. Look at the Civil Rights Movement: people got so angry that they actually sacrificed everything to achieve their goals. Imagine what you could do if similarly motivated.

People need to learn ways to healthily release that natural anger, or it’ll become misery. If you bottle up all your resentments, all your failures, all your mis-steps, you’ll end up locked in the bathroom with a gun in your mouth. This is why I think we need to have mandatory mental health screenings in schools, to erase the stigma of therapy, and to stop the spree of school shootings and road rage incidents. I think therapy should be a lot easier to get, so many people in this country could use an impartial third-party that can guide them through the hard parts of life.

My Rocky Relationship With ADHD

I’ve heard ADHD described many different ways, but this is my favorite: my brain is a Bugatti with tricycle breaks. It’s scarily accurate, my mind goes a million miles a minute, but the second I’m forced to switch gears, the whole thing collapses. ADHD is a huuge pain in the dick, but it’s also a goddamn superpower. On the one hand, I spent 8 hours making spec banner ads for the Economist, and they were (for the most part) pretty good. There’s always that other hand though, the one where I forget to hand in the homework I spent all night working on, the one where I’m 10 minutes late to everything, the one where I forget to eat all day. Well, you win some, you lose some.

My battle with ADHD, and it is a battle, started when I was in 3rd grade, at the ripe age of 9. This was before doctors started handing out Adderal prescriptions like Oprah hands out cars on Christmas, so I had to go to Children’s Hospital in Boston, undergo 3 hours of testing to make sure I wasn’t just stupid. After being told that I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, had ADHD, things started to improve a little. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’re prescribed medicinal amphetamines. From that point on, I knew my battle with ADHD would be trench-fucking-warfare, but Adderal would be the tank that stormed the front lines.

ADHD’s a fickle mistress, but she does let you fuck her sometimes. My brain doesn’t work right, so I think of things normal people don’t, and while most of those things are ridiculously stupid and should never be spoken out loud, some of those ideas are brilliant. ADHD has also made it possible for me to consume vast amounts of information in a short period of time. This is generally called “hyper-focus”: a fun little mental quirk that is responsible for railroading whatever gets in it’s way. Hyper-focus is why ADHD is a superpower. I once procrastinated for an entire semester of English, and ended up having to write 16 papers in one day, which I did. Not a single one got less than a B. Superpower.

The problem with having superpowers is you eventually have to fight super villains. My brain, while being an almost-endless source of entertainment, is also a jumbled mess of words and memories. Trying to pick a certain memory or idea out is kind of like Googling a generic word, and trying to find a specific article that uses it once. In addition to my memory problems, I struggle to listen to people sometimes, which makes talking to people very interesting. I’ll be trying to process what the person said, trying to think of a response to that, while trying not to say something stupid, but then I get an idea for a movie that derails the whole train of thought and I’m back to nothing. This has lead me to just say the first thing that comes into my head which, 90% of the time, is not something related to the original topic. On top of that whole basket of fun, I don’t take criticism as well as I could, not because I care what other people think, but because I’ll take that criticism and look at it objectively and overthink the problem until it either goes away, or gets much worse. In the end, I don’t have any choice but to learn as much about ADHD as I can, and to be the best me I can be.

If you get to this part: thank you. Another fun side effect is the inability to control my rambling, and failure to stick to one central point. If this resonated with you, you probably either read the whole thing in 2 minutes, skipped to the end to see what was there, or just completely skimmed it and have no idea what was said. I’ve done all three, there’s no shame in it, do what you can. You’ll be fine, just keep doing what you’re doing and try to be better today than yesterday. You’ll be OK.

The Happiest Place on Earth

I’m incredibly lucky. Have you ever had someone tell you to “Go to your happy place”? Well, it’s a little easier for me to do since I can actually physically go to mine. Ever since I can remember, my family has gone up to Frye Island Maine, it’s a tradition I hope to pass down someday. I’ve been going up for almost 20 years, and it’s part of the reason I am who I am today. This place means the world to me, I’ve even got the town crest tattooed on my chest.

Frye Island is nestled in the middle of Sebago Lake, not quite an hour away from Portland. This leafy-green paradise is where I’ve spent every summer since I was six years old, and I don’t regret a second of it. The people there are, for the most part, warm, friendly people who will help out their neighbors at a drop of a hat. Islanders are a different sort of folk. The majority of them are retired folks over 60 who come up here when Florida gets too hot for them, but there are people from all walks of life here. I met all my best friends here: the people I care about the most just happen to live within walking distance of my house. The Island is a place befitting a Steven King novel, it seems permanently stuck in the past, and that’s not a bad thing.

Frye Island is unique. You can see that before you even get there. Before you even get on the Island, you have to take a ferry that’s older than most of the people riding it, over to the landing. Once you get off the ferry, you might be surprised at what you see: golf carts as far as the eye can see. People use golf carts because 1) it’s a small island, 2) because it’s easier on the wallet than driving a car, and 3) because it’s damn near impossible to fuck up driving. Another fun little secret: people here drink like Prohibition starts at the end of the day.

The alcohol consumption of Frye Island is unmatched by any community, except maybe Wolf of Wall Street-style stock brokers. Just last night I saw a 50 year old man drink himself into such a stupor, that he decided to cut through the neighboring golf course to get home, which is the exact opposite way he came. These people party like a sorority girl on her 21st birthday, another time I was at the bar waiting for my drink, only to have a Jager Bomb dropped into my hands by a 45 year-old woman who was buying them for the whole bar. I’ve gotta hand it to them, I can’t drink like these people do, and I’m no slouch myself.

Frye Island is full of things to do, from waterskiing to golfing, to tennis and basketball, to arts and crafts and trivia. My love of golf was started at the Frye Island Golf Course, most of the hats I own I bought at the pro shop, the course is gorgeous, and just challenging enough that you can play it repeatedly, but not too tough that you cuss out the course and quit. The Island is also home to Mike Anson, a local musician who breaks out his guitar and sings for the crowd and cracks jokes at the bar. If you just want to sit back and relax in peace, don’t worry, Frye Island has 14 public beaches for you to choose from.

I love everything about Frye Island; I love being woken up by the sound if waves crashing against the rocks, I love the subtle hum of boat engines in the distance, I love driving to the beach and drinking a case of beer and enjoying the sun, and most of all, I love the people that make the community great. If you ever get the chance to come out to Frye Island, do it. You won’t regret it, and you might even want to come back.