I think it’s time to be honest with myself: I’m probably not going to be a copywriter any time soon, and that’s okay. I’ve had this goal for years, and I haven’t really made any tangible progress, so I’m starting to think I should shift my focus elsewhere.
It’s hard, accepting that you might never achieve something you’ve worked so hard for, but I think it’s a good lesson in life. You can’t always get what you want. Usually, I find a way to make things work out, but I’m getting older, so I’ve got to start thinking about things differently.
I’m never going to stop writing campaigns. They might not be the best, they might actually be awful, but as long as I enjoy writing them, I don’t see myself stopping completely. It’s turned into more of a hobby, albeit a weird one.
I think this is part of growing up: realizing that your dreams might not be attainable. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or you’ve wasted your time, it just means that you’ve put as much effort into your dream as you could, and realized when it was time to switch to something else. Hopefully I find something that I enjoy enough to invest a large chunk of my life in.
Today’s the day. It’s finally here. I’ve thought about this moment so many times that whatever happens, I know it won’t live up to the fantasy I’ve created. I’ve decided that instead of doing all the usual unnecessary shit that I do throughout my work day, I’m going to take stock and think about what I’ll miss about this place, and what I look forward to never doing again.
What I’ll Miss:
1. Free Coffee.
2. The few nice Customers.
3. Getting out at 7 on Sunday’s.
4. Fucking with rude people.
5. Locking the doors on people after we close.
6. Listening to music on the store speakers.
7. Trying new flavor combos in my coffee.
9. Customers leaving nice reviews on Yelp.
10. Customers leaving ridiculous reviews on Yelp.
11. Giving stressed-out people free coffee, because we’ve all been there.
12. Listening to Raj yell at people for unreasonable things, like using the bathroom he just cleaned.
13. Listening to Raj act super nice when his boss is around.
14. Scaring new Dunks employees with customer horror stories.
15. Listening to full albums at work.
16. Introducing customers to music.
What I Won’t Miss Even A Little:
1. That On-The-Go ringtone that never shuts up.
2. Getting yelled at by entitled morons who think this is an upscale restaurant.
3. People throwing money at me like I’m a bad stripper.
4. Customers complaining because the prices aren’t the same as they were in 1976.
5. Coming home covered in greasy fat and coffee stains.
6. Customers assuming I speak perfect Spanish because I work at Dunks.
7. People placing $50+ orders, and not tipping after.
8. Customers taking money out of my tip jar to avoid breaking a bill.
9. People snapping their fingers while I make their food because they think it’ll speed things up.
10. Blatant heroin users coughing on their money and handing it to me.
11. Drunk people asking if I can add liquor to their drinks.
12. Customers making up flavors and expecting me to know what they are.
13. Parents who bring their crying kid in, and leave them at the counter.
14. Getting 4am calls from the District Manager, asking where the TV remote is.
15. Getting calls at 4:15am from said manager after she finds the remote.
16. Getting called in at 8:30am for a 12pm shift.
17. Having to work 3am-8pm because someone didn’t show up.
18. Coffee “connoisseurs” who can apparently tell the difference between 17 creams and 18 creams in their small iced coffee.
19. People who want their coffee “extra extra light”, then complain that their coffee is too light.
20. Having customers talk on their phone at the counter when they should be ordering.
21. Getting called racist because I ask someone to repeat themselves after they order in another language.
22. Getting cold brew thrown at me because “It’s not cold enough!”
23. Customers getting angry that we don’t have Pumpkin Spice in July.
24. Customers getting offended when I ask if they want their coffee iced or hot.
25. Old people telling me that “Hey Yeah” is The Devil’s Music™️.
26. People who try and order food 45 minutes after the ovens are off.
27. Customers who order small coffees in extra-large cups because they think they’re beating the system.
28. Getting yelled at because I didn’t finish the work that someone else was supposed to do.
29. Getting asked 6 times in a row if the decaf coffee they ordered is actually decaf.
30. Customers who don’t understand what “regular” means, and get mad when they order a regular and it’s not what they wanted.
31. Being told I got a raise, and making the same amount of money every week.
32. Having to do my boss’s paperwork because she wants to go home early.
33. Customers paying for big orders with change.
34. When I greet customers at the counter, and they look at me like I’m offending them.
35. Confused customers who try and get me to pump their gas because they don’t understand how 2 stores can share a building.
36. Customers who get mad that their coffee is on the counter, and not wherever they want to wait for it.
37. Parents who point at me and tell their kids “This is what happens when you don’t go to college!”
38. Overly-complicated sandwich orders that make no sense
39. Having to fix at least one piece of equipment every shift, none of which is ever replaced.
40. Always being out of something that multiple customers want
41. Getting yelled at because we’re out of something a customer wants.
42. Being treated like I’m less than a person because I work at Dunks.
43. Having to pee outside like an animal because the bathroom doesn’t work.
So I put in my notice a week ago, and I’ve got to say, this is the most fun I’ve ever had at work.
It’s not that I’m slacking off, I still do my job because I don’t want to be an asshole and leave things for everyone else because I’ve checked out. I’m still working hard, but I’m also kicking back and relaxing a lot more.
I’ve worked at Dunks for longer than Jimmy Carter was president, so part of me is worried about moving on. Did I make a mistake? Is this new job going to suck more than my previous one? Should I stay afterall? Will I really be happier at the new job? These are probably thoughts everyone has when they’re about to start a new job, so I’m trying not to think about them too much.
I’m hoping for the best, but it’s still a job; there will still be terrible days where I want to quit, there will still be days where I regret leaving Dunks, there will still be days where I wish I didn’t get out so late, but it’s still a change, and people tell me change is good. I guess we’ll see.
What the hell is with some people? I’ve been asked so many stupid questions that should’ve died inside the person’s head long before they vomited them out. Working food service has opened my eyes to an unpleasant truth: these people have jobs that effect things.
Whenever I see roadwork going on for months, I think about the construction worker who came in, asking if we could make him a pizza, operating heavy machinery. Now, I’m like 75% sure that these people are just momentarily frazzled, but there are some cases that are too blatent to ignore.
Today, a woman came in, looked at our menu for about 3 minutes, then asked what our soup of the day was. When I had to inform her that Dunkin Donuts does not make soup, she seemed shocked. Now, this wasn’t an old woman, or a foreign woman, just a regular ol’ lady wearing a Gucci jacket, with the matching bag.
This isn’t an isolated incident; so many people fail to use basic reading comprehension, critical thinking skills, and most important of all, their eyes. For example, I was locking the store up to leave, way past closing time, and a guy comes up and orders a coffee. Now, not only are the lights and sign off, there aren’t any other people in the store, there isn’t any coffee left, and I’m literally at the door about to leave. Sounds like a perfect time to order coffee, right?
Usually, I just ignore the urge to laugh, and provide the same excellent customer service that I always do, but today is different. Am I just an asshole, or have people slowly gotten dumber? I’m sure that stagnant education funding has had some effect on the average intelligence levels of our country, but if we keep going down this path, Idiocracy will turn into a documentary, which is something that terrifies me.
Why do we have to do things? Why can’t I just give in to that little devil on my shoulder that wants me to drink whiskey and watch re-runs of Parts Unknown all day?
Every day, I make a checklist of what I have to do. Usually, most of those things don’t get done right away.
I go days without achieving anything, but when I get things done, I Get. Things. Done. Maybe it’s the ADHD, maybe it’s because I like to be efficient, maybe it’s because I only get a certain amount of energy per week, like some sort of terrible solar battery. For example, for one of my English classes, I’d slacked off all semester because I was depressed and couldn’t get out of bed to go to class, and as a result, I had a semester’s worth of homework to do. I banged out over a dozen papers in day, and aced all of them. I wish I could do that for everything else in my life.
I’m sure there are numerous internal factors that are responsible for my lack of productivity lately; I haven’t been to the gym in awhile, I’ve been eating like shit, and I haven’t been sleeping that much, in addition to school and work responsibilities.
Hopefully, I’ll figure it out and crush it like I always do, but there has to be a limit to how far I can push myself before everything comes crashing down.
I think those bursts of energy can be stretched out and lengthened, so I’m going to try and figure out what brings them on, and try to do that more and more, until it’s just second-nature, and that lazy demon is banished, or exorcised, or whatever you do to demons.
“You should quit ya job to this!” Wise words from the great modern philosopher Kanye West. I’m done. I’ve had enough of dunks. My friend works at a restaurant, and says that they’re looking for people, so I’m going to give that a shot.
I’m so done with this stupid place, as well as all the bullshit that goes with it. I’ve had 7 managers in 9 months, that should’ve been a giant red flag, but it wasn’t. While doing payroll, I discovered that not only did I not get the raise I’d been promised, but I’d been getting paid less than minimum-wage. That’s what did it for me; not all the rude, over-privileged customers who come in, or the fact that our bathroom hasn’t worked in months, forcing me to piss outside like an animal. Fuck them.
I’ve worked at dunks for almost 6 years, I know the place inside, out and backwards, but I still didn’t get paid a fair wage.
I’ve had to give up every weekend for the last 5 years, I get home at 8:30 every night, tired and angry, and still have to make dinner. I’m done. I’ve given this stupid place way too much effort for what it’s given me.
Working here has given me a whole bunch of stories, but it’s also given me a caffeine addiction, anger issues, and killed whatever outgoing personality traits I might’ve had. I met a crack dealer named Animal, a gang member with a heart of gold, an old, dreadlocked hippy who tips in beer, and other sitcom-worthy characters who generally made my days less boring.
I’m certainly not going to miss it here. As I write this, the gas station owner is yelling at a customer who asked if they could use the bathroom, and even from across the store, I can see the veins popping out of his face as he yells. Hopefully the restaurant works out, I won’t come back here.
I’ve actually got a positive Dunkin’s story today. Shocker. Usually, the people I deal with are rude, inconsiderate pricks, but every once in awhile, someone kind comes in, and reaffirms my faith in humanity.
Today, I was just relaxing listening to some juicy jams when an old guy who was the spitting image of Ben Carson walks in. After making his order, he started to make some small talk, so I figured he couldn’t be that bad.
He started asking me questions like “What do you eat here?” and “How is it working here?”, as well as asking me what my goals are, and what my parents do for a living. Turns out, this guy is cool as hell, and is one of those rare types of people who make everyone feel important, which is a type of person we desperately need more of.
We talked for almost half an hour, we found out that we’re pretty simular: we’re both left handed, we both love jazz music (he even gave me some new stuff to check out), we’re both only children, and we both like tea more than coffee.
It’s weird, usually I don’t like talking to random people, and I especially don’t like talking about my personal life, but maybe I should try to do it more, I might meet more decent people, and I might not have such a bleak outlook on humanity. After all, it doesn’t cost anything to be kind.
In today’s issue of Dumbasses at Dunkin, I’d like to share with you one of the interesting customers who makes my day a little less shitty, by being a piece of shit themselves.
First thing’s first, I should give a little context. Our bathroom’s been acting up lately, and since it’s the only one in the store, we’ve had some unhappy customers complain. Usually, they understand that the absence of a bathroom is not a big deal for the 5 minutes they spend in out store. Not this man.
This gentleman comes into the store, and immediately demands a bathroom. When I informed him of the bathroom situation, he became quite enraged, insisting that it is illegal to keep him from the out-of-order bathroom, ( spoiler alert: it’s not) and insisted I provide him access. Now, usually people understand that our bathroom is broken because they know how terribly the general public treats bathrooms they don’t have to clean, but this man was different.
After 5 minutes of trying to communicate to the gentleman that the only bathroom in the store was out of order, he exploded. He proceeded to go on a racially-charged rant about how the owner of the gas station was discriminating against him because he was Pakastani, which has probably happened before, so I tried to stay composed. After another round of arguement, the man told me that he would be calling the State House, and that we’d be shut down. Lovely.
He called them up, and I could slowly see his face fall as they presumably told him not only was this the wrong place to call, but that he didn’t have a case. As he hung up the phone, he turned to me and called me “Another one of those racist Brazilians” which is a fucking ridiculous sentance, since I’m about as white as you can be, and I don’t speak Portuguese. As Mr. Grumpypants left, he shouted that he would “Shut this place down, and sue the shit out of you! Just you wait!” Well, tick tock, I don’t have all day.
I get a wide variety of customers at work, most of them are decent enough people, or harmless. There are always outliers though, people like…
4. The Barely-Awake Stoner
Look, there’s nothing wrong with hitting the ol’ electric lettuce, but c’mon people, get it together before you venture out in public. Sometimes these customers are awesome, they’re usually open to suggestions, they’re funny most of the time, and you might get a big tip if you joke about how baked they look. You can tell you’re in for a bad time when you can smell the reefer before you see the customer, this usually means you’re in for 5 minutes of silence while they figure out where they are, and what they might want to eat. Further signs someone might be catastrophically cooked are when they have trouble relaying their order to you, or if they get distracted in the middle of their sentence and stop talking so they can think. Please smoke responsibly people.
3. The Soccer Mom
I don’t know how common these are everywhere else, but in my pasty-white slice of suburbia they run rampant. This sub-genre of white person is identified by their superior attitude, their cropped haircut, and their complete inability to control their children, who usually have ridiculous names like Braedyn or Jaedon. These woman are about 2 cups of coffee and a Xanax away from total meltdown, so they don’t have time for things like manners or complete sentences. Soccer Moms usually hate the taste of coffee, but rely on the caffeine, so they order drinks that are 95% sugary garbage and 5% coffee, and they expect you to know how much of each of the 7 ingredients to put in without telling you. Jesus help you if it’s even a little off, they’ll make you redo it 4 or 5 times until they think it’s right, even if you make it the same way each time. God forbid, they bring their kids in, forcing you to deal with whatever future asshole they’ve raised to talk down to retail workers. These people have never worked a service job on their lives, so they don’t understand that what they’re doing is wrong.
2. The Conspiracy Nut
There are different stages of conspiracy nuts: the first layer is my favorite, they just vomit out whatever clickbait headline they just skimmed so you think they know what they’re talking about. The layer below that is where I start to get annoyed. These people are usually a couple crayons short of a box, and lack the awareness to realize that I’m not interested in listening to them talk about how Obama was a lizard person, or how the government is secretly giving us Lyme Disease to keep us from getting insurance. Every time one of these Alex Jones- level nuts come by, I pray for someone else to come along so I have an excuse to stop listening to them.
1. The Asshole
These are way too common. I don’t know what these people are like outside of the store, but it seems like the second they get into the store they evolve into some sort of enraged nuclear bomb. For the most part, these people are miserable people who get shat on in their own lives so much that they feel the need to make someone else’s day miserable. I deal with this type of customer every day, and I’ve noticed there are more of them than ever, which provides great material, but I’m getting tired of old people yelling at me because I can’t read their minds. Today, I got yelledat because apparently I didn’t get that “Black Coffee” means small iced with extra cream and sugar. I guess I’ve gotta work on that. I’ve found that laughing at these assholes works like a charm, as does being overly nice to them. Both approaches fry their circuits and leave then speechless, which is alway nice after 5 continuous mintues of verbal abuse.